Week 47: I Can

Week 47: I Can. I've been struggling with a bit of "funk" lately. Yessir. No doubt about it. Little niggly, whispers of "I can't" have been floating around in my brain making life feel that much more challenging for me. Why, oh, why is it so easy to "get lost upstairs" for me? How on earth can a girl wander so far in her own brain? Isn't there a way to turn the dang thing off?

If I were an exceptionally brilliant artist, I'd feel better saying it's the "tormented" artist in me...That phase of brilliance unrecognized by most of the world. That phase that has already passed. That phase that bore an amazing body of work never seen before or since. A collection like Picasso's Blue Period, a fairly morose four years that followed his friend's suicide and preceded his Rose Period and second fairly successful attempt at love...or VanGogh's well-known Expressionist pieces from the Saint-Remy Period, a total of 142 paintings and drawings done while he was institutionalized for a year. Yeah. 142 paintings in one year. While he was institutionalized.

A few problems for me here...I'm nowhere near the brilliance of Picasso or VanGogh. I've not actually been tormented all that terribly. I haven't had a friend commit suicide recently. I haven't been institutionalized or even come close to it. Truth be told, I've been living a pretty cushy life.

And there's the rub. I've got to be honest. Sometimes, the little things are the most wearing. The little bumps and scratches feel like the deepest wounds. The one sleepless night feels like the drain that cut a year off of my lifespan. The passing incidental is the "cry-worthy" issue. Anyone with me?

Well. I bet you are. Even if you don't want to admit it out loud on a blog...or even via a comment on my blog...

I know it's discouraging to admit you probably aren't a Picasso or VanGogh in your arena of life. You probably don't have a "period" of you life that is exceptionally comment-worthy or note-worthy to the general populace. You've probably (at least once in your lifetime) asked yourself what you got up for today...What made you brush your teeth?...What made you comb your hair (if it's even combed)? You've probably felt a pang of depression...At the very least you've wondered: "Is this it?"

The great thing is...You matter more than you think. You have more impact than you give yourself credit for. You are far more important in making something happen...no matter how small the scale. Did you hear me? You matter. You have value. You are important.

I've been weighing a lot of things out lately for myself. I've been wondering if I Can??? Can I ever feel independent? Can I ever be free, truly free? Can I actually make a go at running my own business? Can I really do what I love? Can I really burrow down into and stay in a place of peace and hope?

I Can.

All I have to do is keep showing up. I don't have to make every move and every idea exceptional...Just the momentum of showing up over and over again is the exceptional part. I know, I know...I'm frighteningly close to cheesy motivational speaker here, but hang on with me...

Exceptional came today in celebrating my sister's birthday and seeing the movie, The Soloist, with Jaime Foxx and Robert Downey Jr. A tag line from the movie says, "No one changes anything by playing it safe." It's an amazing story and the parallel between two very different lives is nothing short of moving.

I was dumbstruck by the reporter, Steve Lopez (played by Downey Jr.), who was soo reluctant to really put himself out there...to show up for someone-no matter what. It was a tremendous parallel to someone in my own past. If I'm being honest, it's a striking parallel to my own self at times.

Toward the end of the movie, Lopez "resigns" from his life because he doesn't want to even risk failing at something or failing someone. Ah, the irony. It's not that he had to be brilliantly exceptional. He just needed to keep showing up. To mend things with the woman he loved. To call his son. To be some one's friend. And, of course, by the end of the movie, Lopez is slightly more surefooted in showing up for people around him.

All it takes is showing up.

You can. I can. So...lets.

A special thanks to my friend, Rita, who "showed up" this week just to check on me...who pointed out that I hadn't been my "usual chipper self" last time we were together...who was willing to admit she had never seen me like that before. And even though it was out-of-the-ordinary, it wasn't something to brush aside. And she wasn't annoyed or turned off by it. She didn't minimize anything, and she didn't coddle me. She just "showed up" and asked me how I'm really doing. Thank you, Rita.

And thank you to all my friends and family who have continually showed up for me...who regularly tell me that I Can. I love each of you so very much. I don't think I say it enough, but that doesn't make it any less true.